Separate what you need from what you want
Shainaz, like many after a layoff, was hamstrung by intrusive and overwhelming anxieties. To help, we asked her to write down all of these thoughts, divided into two categories: things she actually needed to do to survive the next six months and everything else. This is a needs v. wants list, and it helped spur a really important conversation.
Looking at the list, Shainaz realized that most of her needs had already been addressed: her family had secure housing, funding for food, medical insurance, and enough money to cover utilities and car payments. Right on down the list, everything had an answer.
Everything else formed her “wants” list. She wanted another job. She wanted a role that was more fulfilling and sustaining. She didn’t want to be a failure. She didn’t want her partner to be disappointed in her. She didn’t want her children to worry. She wanted control over her life. She didn’t want to have to ask her parents for help. It was an honest list—exactly what we’d asked for. Of all the wants on that list, which could she actually control right now? Well, not much really. In fact, she was already doing as much as she could to address those wants. She was working with us to build a new path forward. Everything else would be resolved in its own time.
Finally, we asked her to think about what could she take responsibility for moving forward. By this we meant: if we were to build a ladder from now to her dream life, what could the first rung look like? We asked her to write those things down too. These would be the foundation of her short-term goals. And, while she might not be able to control all of the changes, she could control her reaction to change.
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